Shattered
by The Winters Roses
Summary: It's been a year since defeating the Titans. However, even if they have won the battle. There was still disaster beyond the walls. Many have lost their lives fighting this battle, yet people were still able to continue on with their lives. Except one, Mikasa Ackerman. The girl who lost everyone. What will she do now? Will tragedy fall upon her as well? If so, who will save her?
1. Chapter 1 - Shattered and Broken

**A/N:**

Well, this is my first upload here in a while, hoping it's well written. Let's hope I don't get paranoid later on and delete this. Seriously, I had to check this multiple times, which was a waste of time and pointless. Hell, I even had to check this author's note multiple times. Why do I do things like this? ._.

**Disclaimer: **

Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan does not belong to me. It belongs to it's rightful owner, Hajime Isayama. I only own the continents of this story. People should worship Hajime Isayama, for he is an amazing person for creating such a beautiful anime.

**Warning:**

This is rated M for a reason. It contains self harm and death. If you are strongly affected by that please leave now. I suggest you to read something else. Thank you!~

* * *

**Summary:**

It's been a year since defeating the Titans. However, even if they have won the battle. There was still disaster beyond the walls. Many have lost their lives fighting this battle, yet people were still able to continue on with their lives. Except one, Mikasa Ackerman. The girl who lost everyone. What will she do now? Will tragedy fall upon her as well? If so, who will save her?

* * *

It's been a year since the death of Eren, Connie, Sasha, Jean, and many other soldiers of the 104th squad along with thousands citizens of the Walls. Many soldiers have been scarred for the rest of their lives due to these tragedies. The final battle between the Titans and the humans was horrendous. Even if they succeeded victory, their lives were filled with depression and trauma. The feeling of distress and disturbance never left their hearts everywhere they went. Even so, everyone went on with their lives. Except one, Mikasa Ackerman.

Mikasa Ackerman, the second strongest solider of humanity. As strong as she may be, she went through the most. Everyone thought she was able to handle the horrid war, but deep down, it killed her knowing that her friends and team mates were killed, especially her best friend, Eren. Not only was he a friend to her, he was also the one she loved and wished to spend the rest of her life with. She had lost everyone she loved and cared for. She kept all her emotions locked up. She didn't want anyone to pity her. Everyone had problems to deal with themselves and so does she.

One day, however, she wasn't able to keep the pain bottled up anymore. She was done. She didn't want to have the feeling of regret and shame with her anymore. Everyday she thought that she could have saved her friends. If only her maneuver gear didn't malfunction, if only she didn't slow down, if only. It was all her fault. She was given the chance to save her friends, yet she threw that chance away and it was all her fault.

"W-Why must this happen? I'm not worthy of being a hero! I'm not even worthy of being alive!" Mikasa sobbed angrily into her pillow. She thrashed around on her bed, moving from on position to another and occasionally yelling into her pillow. Whether or not a year has past, the memory of her friends getting killed in front of her was still fresh in her head. It replayed day by day, never leaving her mind.

"I-I must end this once and for all. I deserve death. I deserve pain. Anything, but being alive," she whispered in a raspy voice, a sad smile plastered on her face.

Though her body fragile, she slowly lifted her weight off the bed, placing her feet on the cold flooring, she stumbled weakly towards the bathroom, moaning in pain along the way. She hasn't been eating for the past few weeks which caused more strain to her injured body from the beatings she gave herself throughout the days. It's what she called punishment. It's always the first thought that came to her mind whenever she did something wrong. She remembered the day Eren accidentally walked in upon her beating herself up, she smiled. In all honesty, she was glad he had stopped her and erased her pain. Her smiled immediately diminished as a thought disturbed her mind. He was now gone and never to come back. He won't be able to comfort her anymore, nor be there for her whenever she's down. He's gone. The bittersweet memories will forever linger with her as long as she's alive. Should she just end it? Should she end all the pain once and for all?

"This is it," she sighed in despair, "I've made up my mind. I'm ending this here and now. There's no turning back," she whimpered as tears rolled down her cheeks.

She groaned, exhausted as she stood by the door. Dozens of thoughts engulfed her mind. Would anyone miss her? Would they care for her death? What will happen to her? What would anyone think of this? Will they even be able to find her body if she died?

She quickly brushed those questions away. She didn't care, nor did she give the questions a second thought. She's been here for months. No one even cared to find her, so why should they now. Why is she suddenly worrying about this? She never wanted anyone to care in the first place, so why is she wasting her energy thinking of these worthless thoughts?

She groaned, disappointed in herself, letting herself get distracted by her thoughts. She needs to focus on what she needed to accomplish.

Once again, she grabbed for the door. Her hands shook as she reached for the handle. She glued her eyes shut and threw the door open. It slammed against the wall with a crush, the metal of the handle broking through the cheap wood. Startled, she slowly pulled open the cabinet door and eyed the knife that laid just below the many empty pill bottles. Grasping the knife with her shaky hands, she looked at herself in the shattered mirror, a knife in hand. There she was, red eyes, pale skin, stick like hair, everything about her now looked lifeless and tired. She didn't look herself anymore. She didn't look like her usual strong willed self. She looked like the little girl she was years ago when she was a kid. The day when her mother was pierced with an ax. She cringed, hating herself for remembering such a miserable nightmare.

"God damn it, Mikasa. Stay focused!" she yelled at the top of her lungs, straining her voice. The burning sensation growing almost unbearable.

Immediately, before she distracted herself again, she slammed her eyes shut and quickly drove the sharp blade deep into her wrist in a swift motion. The pain instantly shot her eyes open. As painful as it may be, it felt sweet. This is what she deserved. Tears were threatening to burst, but she stayed strong and dealt with the pain that was slowly eating at her body making her weaker as each second pasts. Once more, she drove the blade into her wrist and down her arm. Leaving gashes everywhere, crisscrossing every inch of her arm, blood pouring out onto the white counter top, staining it completely. Staring at the pool of her red, lush blood, she clasped to the ground, unable to stand anymore. She smiled, quite glad that her life was steadily coming to an end.

She steadily started to lose consciousness. The sound of repeating loud knocks was heard at her doorsteps followed by a huge crash. Unable to keep up anymore, she smiled, finally at peace. Not giving a single care who was at her door because they were too late. Too late to rescue her.

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**A/N:**

This took longer than expected. I was hoping to finish this chapter in one night. However, being the lazy person I am. I just had to take longer than needed . For such a short chapter this is, I am quite disappointed in myself.

Whatever, I really hope you guys enjoyed this because I did!

Thanks for reading! A review would be appreciated very much! Stay tuned for the next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2 - Dreams

**A/N: **

Welcome back guys, I apologize for taking such a long time writing up this chapter. Been dealing with so much stress and family problems. It finally died down a bit, so let's hope all that crap doesn't come back and get me...For those of you who were patiently waiting, I'll have a special one-shot written up for you lovelies! Just give me a request of any pairing of your liking from SnK/AoT and I'll be choosing whichever gets requested most!

**Warning:**

For all you non-Erekasa shippers out there reading this. I'm so sorry! This chapter posses some fluff between them, but please bare with me. I promise this will be the only chapter of them sharing feelings with each other. Rivakasa will be here sooner or later.

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**Previously:**

She steadily started to lose consciousness. The sound of repeating loud knocks was heard at her doorsteps followed by a huge crash. Unable to keep up anymore, she smiled, finally at peace. Not giving a single care who was at her door because they were too late. Too late to rescue her.

* * *

**Mikasa's Dream**

_"M-Mikasa..."_

_"Mikasa!"_

_"Mikasa! Wake up!"_

_Mikasa's eyes quickly shot open, disturbed from her slumber. She groggily looked around, seeing nothing, but blurry images around her. Though she could make out one, a strangely familiar boy. He had soft brown hair, green eyes filled with hope, and a sympathetic smile that made butterflies flutter in her stomach. She then remembered, it was her precious, Eren._

_"E-Eren?! I-Is that you...? I-I thought-"_

_"Forget about that, Mikasa, I need-"_

_"B-But,"_

_"Listen to me!"_

_"..."_

_"Mikasa, please, you need to live. Don't you dare hurt yourself for what you never did. You never did anything wrong! It was never your fault that I got caught! It was my mine!"_

_"E-Even so, Eren. I still can't, I can't live without you. I-I love...mmph,"_

_Mikasa's eyes widened in shocked immediately upon feeling Eren's lips placed on her's. He kissed her delicately, give care to her soft, supple lips with such passion and love. He nibbled her bottom lip softly causing a soft mewl to escape her mouth as well as the start of her bottled tears. Rubbing her back to comfort her, he licked her bottom lip, asking for entrance. Cautiously, not wanting to hurt her, he slipped his tongue into her warm mouth and gingerly gliding his tongue against her's, causing a sweet moan to slip out of her mouth which sent shivers down his back. Mikasa, finally calmed, smiled and whimpered against his mouth, her red cheeks glistening with tear streaks. Eren reluctantly pulled away, not wanting Mikasa to suffer._

_They gasped for air, their faces red and heated from their intense kiss. After regaining their breath, Eren pulled her off the cold, wet grass and wrap his arms around her in a warm embrace, missing the taste of her sweet, sugar coated lips already._

_"Live for me, Mikasa. Please, I love you."_

_"How can I? You can't say that so easily, Eren! I have no one to give me strength anymore!"_

_"Don't say that, Mikasa! Even if I'm dead, just remember, I'll always be watching over you. Just please, please try for me! I can't bare watch you hurt yourself over me! Please..."_

_"Fine, anything for you, Eren. I'm sorry for hurting you..."_

_"It's okay, everything's alright now, I promise. Now I must go, my time here is almost ending."_

_His voice fading at each passing word as well as himself. He smiled at her, it was a mixture of compassion, longing, sympathy, comfort, and most of all, love. Quickly, before he disappeared, he kissed her forehead once more, then faded away completely._

_Tears began to erupt from her eyes, but out of happiness. She felt happy, genuine happiness. Something she haven't felt since the disaster. Even if it pained her seeing him go, she was glad to be able to see his dear smile once more. She does not wish to see Eren frown due to her actions again. She wanted him to be happy, to be proud, and she'd do absolutely anything to fulfill it. Finally, she made up her mind, she was going to stay strong, for him._

_"Eren, I will live for you. I promise not to disappoint you._

* * *

Mikasa smiled in her sleep, feeling someone's hand on hers. She slowly lifted her eyes open, letting her eyes adjust to the brightness of the room. There sat Levi, the captain on his squad, sleeping besides her bedside. She stared at his face, it was wrinkled with worry and pale from the lack of sleep. He looked like an absolute mess, he looked restless and tired, but why?

Mikasa sighed, deep in thought, she wondered who have found her and why? Were her assumptions inaccurate? Had she thought wrong? If so, why did they just rescue her now? Why?

"Levi, I wish you were awake right now. There's so much I need to ask you," Mikasa mumbled to herself, turning her body towards him. She gripped his hand tighter, letting the tears silently flow.

"I'm in so much pain, Levi. I miss Eren so much. I wish he were here,"

"I know,"

Mikasa's eyes immediately shot open at the sound of Levi's voice. Alarmed, she quickly shot her hand away from his grip and pushed her body away from him and turned her body to the opposite side. She felt a small blush of embarrassment rise to her cheeks followed by the feeling of shame. Should she question him?

"Levi, were you the one who saved me?"

"Yes,"

"W-Why?"

Levi sighed, a hint of anger in his voice. He pulled at her arm, forcing her to come closer to him, ignoring her venomous words of protest. He tugged at her sleeves, lifting the material that covered her bandages. He gasped at the horrifying sight. Her bandages were drenched in blood. Her wounds needed to be given care as fast as possible.

"Mikasa, get up. I need to-"

"Don't you fucking touch me! I don't care, if I bleed to death. I despise you!"

"Brat, do you think I care if you despise me or not?! I'm only doing this because I give a shit about you! I'm not letting another of my soldiers die!"

Mikasa eyes quickly darkened in regret. She mumbled an apology and quietly followed him to the bathroom to be taken care of. The feeling of Levi's fingers gently touching her scars calmed her. She felt relieved knowing that there was someone looking out for her, whether she hated him or not. She appreciated it. She decided to deal with her hatred and get to know him. She let the past go and thought of only the present and the future. She wanted to be able to have someone to look out for her, to give her strength and companionship. As much as she hated to admit it, she believed that person could be Levi.

"There, you're cleaned up now. Go rest up, I'll cook up some food for you,"

"Thank you so much, Levi,"

"No need to thank me, brat. Don't you doubt me for protecting my soldiers,"

Mikasa halfheartedly smiled. Something she haven't been able to do for such a long time. It felt good knowing that everything is going to be alright, it felt good to be able to smile and be free. She hoped that soon enough things will be back to the way it was. No more Titans, no more battles, no more feelings of fright, it's all over. Why didn't she think of all this before? It definitely brightened her mood a bit. Life is going to be so much better now that she's able to live life peacefully with no care at all. Even if her friends have passed, the good could always out balance the bad, she just needed to forget the past and just remember all the sweet memories they've shared.

Mikasa fell onto the bed, smiling. The feeling of weariness overwhelming her. She was going to sleep peacefully tonight without any nightmares consuming her mind. Everything was all good.

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**A/N: **

Well I had a bit of trouble writing this, but it was fun. I promise chapter 3 wouldn't take as long! I am currently working on it as you lovlies read it!

Please read and review! I'd love to read some of your ideas and criticism! No flames, please!


	3. Chapter 3 - What Is This Feeling?

**A/N:**

Here's the third chapter, hope you guys enjoy!

This took a bit of time to write so I apologize, was waiting to receive some more reviews/follows/favorites, that would be very loved...

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**Previously:**

Mikasa fell onto the bed, smiling. The feeling of weariness overwhelming her. She was going to sleep peacefully tonight without any nightmares consuming her mind. Everything was all good.

* * *

"Hey brat!"

"Brat, your dinner is ready!"

"Get the fuck up or I'll fucking force your lazy ass up!"

Mikasa shot her eyes open in irritation, she shot a glare at Levi, getting a smirk in return. Disgusted, she quickly stumbled off the bed and prepared to strode off to the bathroom, that was until Levi stopped her at her tracks. His grip on her wrist was strong, she tried to free herself by tugging and sinking her nails into his skin, but nothing worked. She groaned, giving up.

"I'm not letting you go until you finish your food. After all, I did spend my my making it for you."

"I'm not eating that trash!"

"Listen, brat, I only want you to tell me what that fuck is going on with you, is that too hard?!"

"And why the hell do you care?!"

"Mikasa Ackerman, sit down."

"No."

Levi's face darkened, his last nerve snapped. He slapped her across the face and pinned her down onto the bed, staring at her, infuriated. He leaned forward, his face inches from her, causing a slightly visible blush to appear on her cheeks.

"Mikasa, you pissed me off over these years, can't you just listen to me for once!"

"You think I'll let you get to me so easily! What you done to Eren is unforgivable!"

"I was trying to save his ass for you, if it wasn't for me, he'd be dead a lot earlier!"

Levi, loosen his grip on her hands and climbed off her and gave her a look of an apology. He picked the plate of food off the bed and handed it to her. He walked off quietly and slammed the door to his office, loudly.

Mikasa sighed, wiping the tears away. She picked at the food, not wanting to eat anymore. She remembered yesterday, the dream, it was still clear in her head. She wanted to see him, she wanted to ask him what she should do with Sir Corporal, he was being uncooperative with her, or was it herself acting that way? Should she confront to him? Would it help her? Would it make Eren happy?

Quickly making her choice, she lifted herself off the bed and cringed in slight pain, her injured arm still not fully healed. She walked towards his office door and knocked quietly and stood patiently, waiting for an answer. Finally after a few seconds, the door opened. There stood Levi, his face covered in curiosity.

"What is it do you want, brat?"

"I'll tell you."

Levi motioned to her to come in and sit down, he closed the door behind him lightly and sat on the stool. He raised a brow at her, waiting for her to speak.

"Yes, Mikasa?"

"I-I just couldn't handle the pain anymore, it was becoming unbearable. I-I didn't know what to do anymore, Heichou. The only option that I thought of at the moment was to harm myself! I-I'm sorry, i didn't mean that to happened, I just acted on my own, I couldn't control myself! I just missed Eren too much. I have no one now. Who can give me strength now when I lost all my friends, my family, my team mates?!"

Mikasa sobbed loudly, she hugged herself. Her heart ached just thinking about it, it killed her so much. Just sitting there in front of her leader, crying. She felt weak. The only person she cried in front of was Eren, only Eren. She felt ashamed of herself for showing her weak side in front of her captain. What would he think of her now? She tried to stop herself from crying, she tried to run away, but she found herself unable to move. She felt Levi's arms wiggle around her sides and to her back. She felt him pull her closer to his body, however she did not protest and fight back, instead she buried her head in his chest and cried, so much emotion filled her voice, it was filled with pain, sorrow, and most of all, loneliness.

"Everything is going to be okay, Mikasa. I'll be that person who will care for you, you're one of my very few soldiers left, after all."

"T-Thank you so much, Levi. For helping and caring all this time, I'm so sorry I've been so cruel and rude. I just-ah"

Levi placed his forehead on hers, he blew a strand of hair out of her face and stared into her eyes, searching for something. His eyes wandered, the sight of her blushing made him chuckle in amusement. It was a cute sight. A sight he wished to see more often, it caused his heart to flutter, it made him feel this undetectable emotion. It gave him the urge to kiss her, to taste her lips that were inches from him. He found himself leaning forwards, closing in on her, ignoring the feeling to pull away until his lips were placed on hers. They were soft and bitter, almost like coffee, a favored drink of his. He was surprised by the taste. Is this what she naturally tasted like? He shook his head, not wanting anymore thoughts to ruin this wonderful experience, he kissed her softly and deepened it with with ever second. They sat there feeling each others mouths with muffled moans often being heard from the room. Their breaths quickly became short and in need of air. They pulled away from each other in sync, staring into others eyes. Although Levi noticed something hidden in them he didn't expect, hurt.

"M-Mikasa, what's wrong!?"

"I-I can't do this, Heichou. I'm still in love with Eren. I can't be doing this!"

"Alright, I'm sorry for my actions, I shall be going then."

"Wait, Levi, I'm-"

Levi slammed the door in front of her face. Mikasa stared at the door as if it possessed many horrible things. She immediately regret saying that. She had hurt Levi without thinking. Her mouth spoke for herself. She stood there in horror, she just remembered Eren. What would he think of this? Would he frown upon her actions? She betrayed him. She felt as if her feelings were a lie and a misunderstanding. Who does she love? Eren or Levi? Does she even have feelings for her leader or was it just the affection he gave her that she loved? She felt tired and exhausted just from thinking such thoughts. They were beyond far-fetched. She had to be misunderstanding her feelings and emotions towards him. After all, she had hated Levi all these years, it was impossible to fall for him only now. Her mind was only deceiving her and playing with her. She's in love with Eren, only Eren, forever Eren-or is she?

"E-Eren help me. I don't know what to do. I need your guidance. Please forgive me for what I've done. It was a mistake, I love you, right? My feelings are just being delusional, right, Eren?!"

* * *

Levi sat at the foot of the bed with his head in his head. He stared at the floor, his mind was a cluttered mess. He regretted what he done. He shouldn't have kissed Mikasa, she was only a solider, a student, love between a captain and a solider was forbidden and looked down upon. He wondered why he did such a thing in the first place. Did he even love her in the first place? If he didn't, why did he felt the sudden urge to kiss her? He felt confused. Was that unfamiliar feeling he felt, love? No, it couldn't be, it was impossible, he never loved another woman after the death of his last beloved, he refused to believe such a thing. Mikasa was only a student, a solider, an acquaintance, yet there he was, kissing her. He hated to admit it, but he wanted to be able to hold her more, taste those sweet lips of hers, and comfort her. After all these years, those small electrifying feelings he received from just looking at her. Had he fallen in love with her after all these years? His mind has to be deceiving him. This has to be a nightmare.

"Petra...I don't know what the fuck I should do, I need your help. I know I done something horribly wrong, forgive me for it. I haven't felt this out of shape since your death."

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**A/N:**

Holy crap, this was so fun to write like seriously so much feels.

Although, as fun as it was, it was a bit difficult to keep in character. I mean would Levi really kissing Mikasa rudely, no, I doubt that possible, how the fuck do you kiss someone rudely? And also, that Petra part, yeah yeah yeah, that was soooo out of character, but I think not. I think Levi would show some emotion at least! He's no some emotionless robot, okay?! (Why the hell do I always do '?!' this?

Mikasa, eh, she was alright, I guess?

I don't care, if the characters were out of character, sometimes its necessary, because some characters are just impossible so they just have to be (*cough* Levi *cough*) and if you guys have a problem with that, well...I'm sorry, but can you not? A little OOCness can be a good thing, mmkay?

Read and Review my lovelies!


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